Sunday, September 9, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Epiphany #39
Whoa is me...just for today
Ok so this summer has been interesting to say the least. Being without your own home is a difficult situation and having to navigate the housing system bites. I need to find a place to stay whether it be a studio or a sparling 6 bedroom (praying for the latter). I miss the solitude. Someone pretty wise told me that I should embrace the circumstance and try to figure out why God has placed me where I am. What should I be learning? How should I be growing? Is there something I could or should be imparting? "Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees"...I now truly understand that quote. I have definately allowed myself a little too much "whoa is me" time. Logically I know that I am so blessed, really I do. Emotionally...I am so broken and wounded *sigh. I just want to burst into tears but I won't because it feels as if my well will never dry up. I don't want people to pity me or even feel this kind of grief. I would like to use these emotions to fuel my intent. I'm running out of steam; I can feel myself slowing down. Burn out!! I cannot allow that to happen, I just don't have that luxury. Losing it is not an option. Lord knows that I sure feel like shutting down. My body hurts, it's becoming painful to think and I keep forgetting to breathe. I find myself holding my breath a lot and my jaw is clenched smh. So much depends on my actions, so many family members depending on just me. "I can do all things, through Christ Jesus who strengthens me!" That's my mantra because I know that at the end of it all I win. It's like the last few miles of the race when you think you have no more to give, like you never make the finish line. (I'm right there) Somehow there a last burst of new energy that propels you and says "you can do this". I need a burst of energy. I just need to remember to breathe and an opportunity to cry where no one will see or hear me. I sure wish there was a tear jerker in the movies. That would be perfect. Then everyone would be crying lol. I just never seems to get a chance to not do anything. My family doesn't understand my frustration. Everyone is expecting so much from me all at the same time and I'm expecting sooo much from myself. I just keep smiling through the pain but the tears just keep trying to make there way through to the surface. It's like when there's a sunshower except I don't think this will be quite as pretty. *sigh ...just have to remember to breathe.I've lived with my parents my whole life. I've had my own apartment of course but we've lived in the same building. I have been the mediator in their marriage for so long it feels like my responibility. ... I'm pretty sure it's not. I need this break. I'd like to know what it is to live seperately. I know that I will miss my parents when they are no longer in the land of the living and that I should appreciate the time I have whilst they are here and I do. I think I need to be a grown up on my own. I'm looking forward to my children being independent and on their own too. Sometimes I'm not sure if my life is on the right path. Has God really ordained these things for my life? Why do people expect so much? Don't they know that if they are expecting something someone else is probably too? I just want to lay on a beach somewhere and listen to the waves.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Epiphany # 38
FRUSTRATED
Why is it only "WE" when we are talking about my stuff????
Any other time it's my stuff this & my stuff that. That's mine.
Yet I have to hunt for things just to find out there is none left.
Another gripe, how come I'm the only one replacing anything
even though I hardly use it??? *SIGH -__-
Why is it only "WE" when we are talking about my stuff????
Any other time it's my stuff this & my stuff that. That's mine.
Yet I have to hunt for things just to find out there is none left.
Another gripe, how come I'm the only one replacing anything
even though I hardly use it??? *SIGH -__-
Monday, April 16, 2012
Epiphany #37
AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
Teenagers!! I am almost there. I am almost out of the teenage thing. Hi, I am the parent of a teenager -_-.
I so remember what it was like to be a teen and to not want to do anything. I remember being so smart that everything about the classroom bored me. I remember thinking every day how stupid it was to have to get up to go to a place I so disliked. I remember how petty everyone and there so called problems were...I remember. I also look back now on the opportunities I threw away by giving in to those feelings of dread and not pushing past them. I am content in who I am for today but I could have been so much further had I just challenged my smart self to figure out a way to outsmart the system. I could have found a way. It's too bad I didn't just put in a slight effort. Fear will swallow you if you let it.
My teenager will just have to hate me for the next couple of years I can take it. She has to know that I am so right about this, after all she IS me for goodness sake! My Mom was a relaxed parent and I was spoiled so I kind of did what I wanted. I allow my children a lot of the same but I draw the line at education. Education is a necessity. Pull yourself together little girl!! I need you to survive this you are almost out of the storm of emotions, hormones and uncertainty. You can and will survive!! You may not believe it now but I love you enough to take the hate. So one day I hope that the yelling and the lectures and the fussing with the threats of bodily harm will make you smile for the inside out. One day you will know just what I was willing to sacrifice for your future.
Two more years and one graduates from college and "this" one moves into the start of the freedom she so craves. I just have to push you until you get there.
Teenagers!! I am almost there. I am almost out of the teenage thing. Hi, I am the parent of a teenager -_-.
I so remember what it was like to be a teen and to not want to do anything. I remember being so smart that everything about the classroom bored me. I remember thinking every day how stupid it was to have to get up to go to a place I so disliked. I remember how petty everyone and there so called problems were...I remember. I also look back now on the opportunities I threw away by giving in to those feelings of dread and not pushing past them. I am content in who I am for today but I could have been so much further had I just challenged my smart self to figure out a way to outsmart the system. I could have found a way. It's too bad I didn't just put in a slight effort. Fear will swallow you if you let it.
My teenager will just have to hate me for the next couple of years I can take it. She has to know that I am so right about this, after all she IS me for goodness sake! My Mom was a relaxed parent and I was spoiled so I kind of did what I wanted. I allow my children a lot of the same but I draw the line at education. Education is a necessity. Pull yourself together little girl!! I need you to survive this you are almost out of the storm of emotions, hormones and uncertainty. You can and will survive!! You may not believe it now but I love you enough to take the hate. So one day I hope that the yelling and the lectures and the fussing with the threats of bodily harm will make you smile for the inside out. One day you will know just what I was willing to sacrifice for your future.
Two more years and one graduates from college and "this" one moves into the start of the freedom she so craves. I just have to push you until you get there.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Epiphany #36
Once upon a time I was a poet. I was always inspired by something. I wonder where that inspiration has gone. Is it here in this same space with me? Is it asleep and if so is the alarm about to go off to awaken it? Or has my direction just changed? I see so many things in people, places and things it may just be about how to begin to bring what I see alive. Writing paper is like a canvas to a poet; as you write it begins to come alive. As I begin to describe what I feel the page becomes more vibrant. I can create any emotion with the words I choose. Poetry reveals so much and so little about the poet at the same time. Poetry is the art of emotion brushed onto the napkin, old piece of cardboard or whatever you can find. The thoughts are sometimes fleeting and must be captured in just the right light of the moment. I was recently asked what happened to my poetry and did not have an answer until now. My poetry is trapped within the confines of my mind. I have missed the moments that have been moving so very swiftly and have I been unable to catch them. So my poetry is happening all the time it is screaming to be released on to my canvas of choice. It is the energy that flows and pulses through me at all times. God has given me a gift, one of many that bring me joy. I need to live within those gifts. I need to live within those gifts. I need to live within those gifts...
Friday, March 16, 2012
Epiphany #35
So I saw a trailer for this movie called "October Baby" it's about what they call an abortive survivor. It tells a story of a girl who's survived an abortion, meaning the abortion procedure somehow failed and she was born. I love the premise of the story it is a side that has not really been touched upon.
One thing that still troubles me regarding abortion and the church is the horrible shame that is still attached to becoming pregnant out of wedlock. I can only imagine how many young ladies picked what they thought was the lesser of two evils and aborted their precious babies. When will we as Christians remember that God sees all sin as sin; none greater or lesser He hates it all. We must create an environment that correction can be made and still allow for the children to be born. We must find a way to correct the action so it is not repeated and to put preventive measures in place. Why are our young people still looking for love in all the wrong places instead of in Jesus? What can we do to fill the void? Why does love look like premarital sex to our youth??
I am a pastor's kid (PK) and I have my own stories to tell. I put myself through on kinds of things trying to punish myself for being disobedient. Also trying to "fix" things (smh) it's really sad when I look back on it now. I have two beautiful daughters that God blessed me with and allowed me to keep and guide. I often still think about the others... I named all of my children they all had a soul from the time I knew they existed. No one talks about that part of abortion. No on tells you how to forget as you go on with your life. No on tells you about the emptiness that you feel after the "procedure" is complete. No on tells you how to mourn the death of a child; which by the way is painful in any circumstance. I have lost children before birth and after birth, believe me you are never prepared, never. A piece of you is lost forever each time.
I said all this to say that maybe it's time to be honest about who we really are so that history no longer repeats itself. So our daughters do feel like they have to give themselves away to be complete. So they don't have to get rid of their children to hide the shame or to pursue the rest of themselves. So our sons are not so quick to run from responsibility or think that children destroy you life instead of enriching them. (Even when they are untimely and not planned.) I would really love to see this movie I hope that it causes us to stop being judging. Let's find solutions people! Once we know the issue what's the next step? God is a forgiving God and I'm striving to be more like Him every day.
Just a thought or two.
One thing that still troubles me regarding abortion and the church is the horrible shame that is still attached to becoming pregnant out of wedlock. I can only imagine how many young ladies picked what they thought was the lesser of two evils and aborted their precious babies. When will we as Christians remember that God sees all sin as sin; none greater or lesser He hates it all. We must create an environment that correction can be made and still allow for the children to be born. We must find a way to correct the action so it is not repeated and to put preventive measures in place. Why are our young people still looking for love in all the wrong places instead of in Jesus? What can we do to fill the void? Why does love look like premarital sex to our youth??
I am a pastor's kid (PK) and I have my own stories to tell. I put myself through on kinds of things trying to punish myself for being disobedient. Also trying to "fix" things (smh) it's really sad when I look back on it now. I have two beautiful daughters that God blessed me with and allowed me to keep and guide. I often still think about the others... I named all of my children they all had a soul from the time I knew they existed. No one talks about that part of abortion. No on tells you how to forget as you go on with your life. No on tells you about the emptiness that you feel after the "procedure" is complete. No on tells you how to mourn the death of a child; which by the way is painful in any circumstance. I have lost children before birth and after birth, believe me you are never prepared, never. A piece of you is lost forever each time.
I said all this to say that maybe it's time to be honest about who we really are so that history no longer repeats itself. So our daughters do feel like they have to give themselves away to be complete. So they don't have to get rid of their children to hide the shame or to pursue the rest of themselves. So our sons are not so quick to run from responsibility or think that children destroy you life instead of enriching them. (Even when they are untimely and not planned.) I would really love to see this movie I hope that it causes us to stop being judging. Let's find solutions people! Once we know the issue what's the next step? God is a forgiving God and I'm striving to be more like Him every day.
Just a thought or two.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Epiphany #34
Ummm so I'm on a new quest. Well not so new just finally putting it into the universe. I am in search of my second chapter of life. I know it's going to be really great I can feel it rising from my belly. I just don't know exactly what "it" is. I am not sure what questions to ask so that I receive the right answers. I know for sure it will have something to do with making others happy. I know this because I have always gotten the most joy when others pain is alleviated in the slightest way. I'm smiling now just thinking about it... I know that when I create I am happy soooo do I sell my wares or do I create someplace that teaches people the joy of creation?? I'm not searching for the spotlight but if it finds me I'll be able to handle it with humility. I'm feeling a little uneasy and don't want to seem as if I am not interested in moving forward. However I need a starting point that makes a little bit of sense. So I'm putting out my feelers; putting on my thinking cap and sitting as still as possible so I can hear the slightest whisper. I'd like my children to be able to remember me for some sort of quiet greatness... something to tell my grands & great grands about. I would like to touch the lives of many and leave my heartbeat on the wind. So, my New Quest begins now. God does not make mistakes people do. So I'd like to take my time and follow the path the He has laid for me. Ready, Set, Go!!! :-)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Epiphany #33
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! Well is's the 1st week in the year 2012 I made it! I brought in the new year praising God at my church "Fresh Beginnings". It was an intimate gathering and it was nice to hear about the growth that my church family saw in themselves threw 2011. I am excited about what 2012 has in store for me, and I pray for the strength to navigate my way with more patience. Everything always works out for me in the end so why get myself worked up? I am super tired this week and feel as if there is a medical issue that I need to address yelling in my ear. I have to get a full physical and soon...
I found a picture of my former slimmer self today. The picture is about six years ago I was so slim, skinny really. I don't think I want to be that small again (size 6/7) but size 10/12 could work. I think I'm about a size 13/14 down from a tight 16 in about 5 months. I'm going to continue to workout & perhaps add a few more classes a week. I would like to loose a lil more belly fat & some more flesh of these thighs. My ankles have stopped swelling every day & I feel healthier so I'm going to keep it moving.
I am going with the flow for 2012. That means I will no longer allow outside personalities influence my attitude. I will no longer second guess myself because people don't have my God given insight. I will continue to be open to new ideas but I will not discard my own in the process. I AM, I WILL....
This year I will be the best me that I can be for me... I am important. If I don't save myself I won't be around to help anyone else, right?
It's amazing how much more there is to do when you are unemployed smh. I feel as if I'm at everyone's mercy and that they think I have nothing better to do so why not get her to do it. On the other hand would I even leave the house otherwise? LOL I guess I would just not quite so often. It's winter for real now so I'd prefer to stay indoors so I might say no a lot more brrrrrrrrr. Oh wow my Christmas tree is still up, I guess I should probably take that down today.
I feel like something big is coming my way this year. Nothing ominous but something different as if what has been here for my entire existence will finally come to light for me. Something that I overlooked because it is second nature to me. I believe that the revelation will catapult me into my next level of self. Isn't that an exciting thought? My prayer is always for the Lord to stir up what is within me & excite me. Now excitement for me may not be what excitement is for you; which is fine. I am quite laid back in my thinking so if it puts a smile on my face or makes me say "OOooooo" that is pretty doggone exciting for me. (LOL) If I can manage to touch a few people and help them to see their own worth helping them understand that what they bring to the world is a good thing than I am satisfied. *smile
It "IS" a great year in the making.
I found a picture of my former slimmer self today. The picture is about six years ago I was so slim, skinny really. I don't think I want to be that small again (size 6/7) but size 10/12 could work. I think I'm about a size 13/14 down from a tight 16 in about 5 months. I'm going to continue to workout & perhaps add a few more classes a week. I would like to loose a lil more belly fat & some more flesh of these thighs. My ankles have stopped swelling every day & I feel healthier so I'm going to keep it moving.
I am going with the flow for 2012. That means I will no longer allow outside personalities influence my attitude. I will no longer second guess myself because people don't have my God given insight. I will continue to be open to new ideas but I will not discard my own in the process. I AM, I WILL....
This year I will be the best me that I can be for me... I am important. If I don't save myself I won't be around to help anyone else, right?
It's amazing how much more there is to do when you are unemployed smh. I feel as if I'm at everyone's mercy and that they think I have nothing better to do so why not get her to do it. On the other hand would I even leave the house otherwise? LOL I guess I would just not quite so often. It's winter for real now so I'd prefer to stay indoors so I might say no a lot more brrrrrrrrr. Oh wow my Christmas tree is still up, I guess I should probably take that down today.
I feel like something big is coming my way this year. Nothing ominous but something different as if what has been here for my entire existence will finally come to light for me. Something that I overlooked because it is second nature to me. I believe that the revelation will catapult me into my next level of self. Isn't that an exciting thought? My prayer is always for the Lord to stir up what is within me & excite me. Now excitement for me may not be what excitement is for you; which is fine. I am quite laid back in my thinking so if it puts a smile on my face or makes me say "OOooooo" that is pretty doggone exciting for me. (LOL) If I can manage to touch a few people and help them to see their own worth helping them understand that what they bring to the world is a good thing than I am satisfied. *smile
It "IS" a great year in the making.
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