Whoa is me...just for today
Ok so this summer has been interesting to say the least. Being without your own home is a difficult situation and having to navigate the housing system bites. I need to find a place to stay whether it be a studio or a sparling 6 bedroom (praying for the latter). I miss the solitude. Someone pretty wise told me that I should embrace the circumstance and try to figure out why God has placed me where I am. What should I be learning? How should I be growing? Is there something I could or should be imparting? "Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees"...I now truly understand that quote. I have definately allowed myself a little too much "whoa is me" time. Logically I know that I am so blessed, really I do. Emotionally...I am so broken and wounded *sigh. I just want to burst into tears but I won't because it feels as if my well will never dry up. I don't want people to pity me or even feel this kind of grief. I would like to use these emotions to fuel my intent. I'm running out of steam; I can feel myself slowing down. Burn out!! I cannot allow that to happen, I just don't have that luxury. Losing it is not an option. Lord knows that I sure feel like shutting down. My body hurts, it's becoming painful to think and I keep forgetting to breathe. I find myself holding my breath a lot and my jaw is clenched smh. So much depends on my actions, so many family members depending on just me. "I can do all things, through Christ Jesus who strengthens me!" That's my mantra because I know that at the end of it all I win. It's like the last few miles of the race when you think you have no more to give, like you never make the finish line. (I'm right there) Somehow there a last burst of new energy that propels you and says "you can do this". I need a burst of energy. I just need to remember to breathe and an opportunity to cry where no one will see or hear me. I sure wish there was a tear jerker in the movies. That would be perfect. Then everyone would be crying lol. I just never seems to get a chance to not do anything. My family doesn't understand my frustration. Everyone is expecting so much from me all at the same time and I'm expecting sooo much from myself. I just keep smiling through the pain but the tears just keep trying to make there way through to the surface. It's like when there's a sunshower except I don't think this will be quite as pretty. *sigh ...just have to remember to breathe.I've lived with my parents my whole life. I've had my own apartment of course but we've lived in the same building. I have been the mediator in their marriage for so long it feels like my responibility. ... I'm pretty sure it's not. I need this break. I'd like to know what it is to live seperately. I know that I will miss my parents when they are no longer in the land of the living and that I should appreciate the time I have whilst they are here and I do. I think I need to be a grown up on my own. I'm looking forward to my children being independent and on their own too. Sometimes I'm not sure if my life is on the right path. Has God really ordained these things for my life? Why do people expect so much? Don't they know that if they are expecting something someone else is probably too? I just want to lay on a beach somewhere and listen to the waves.
