Epiphany # 1

Life really restarts everyday. Yesterday no longer truly exists and each morning is like a do over!

Why Not Sew?: How to Make Homemade Laundry Detergent

Why Not Sew?: How to Make Homemade Laundry Detergent

hopes and dreams: 30 Things:

hopes and dreams: 30 Things:

Epiphany #39

Whoa is me...just for today

Ok so this summer has been interesting to say the least. Being without your own home is a difficult situation and having to navigate the housing system bites. I need to find a place to stay whether it be a studio or a sparling 6 bedroom (praying for the latter). I miss the solitude. Someone pretty wise told me that I should embrace the circumstance and try to figure out why God has placed me where I am. What should I be learning? How should I be growing? Is there something I could or should be imparting? "Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees"...I now truly understand that quote. I have definately allowed myself a little too much "whoa is me" time. Logically I know that I am so blessed, really I do. Emotionally...I am so broken and wounded *sigh. I just want to burst into tears but I won't because it feels as if my well will never dry up. I don't want people to pity me or even feel this kind of grief. I would like to use these emotions to fuel my intent. I'm running out of steam; I can feel myself slowing down. Burn out!! I cannot allow that to happen, I just don't have that luxury. Losing it is not an option. Lord knows that I sure feel like shutting down. My body hurts, it's becoming painful to think and I keep forgetting to breathe. I find myself holding my breath a lot and my jaw is clenched smh. So much depends on my actions, so many family members depending on just me. "I can do all things, through Christ Jesus who strengthens me!" That's my mantra because I know that at the end of it all I win. It's like the last few miles of the race when you think you have no more to give, like you never make the finish line. (I'm right there) Somehow there a last burst of new energy that propels you and says "you can do this". I need a burst of energy. I just need to remember to breathe and an opportunity to cry where no one will see or hear me. I sure wish there was a tear jerker in the movies. That would be perfect. Then everyone would be crying lol. I just never seems to get a chance to not do anything. My family doesn't understand my frustration. Everyone is expecting so much from me all at the same time and I'm expecting sooo much from myself. I just keep smiling through the pain but the tears just keep trying to make there way through to the surface. It's like when there's a sunshower except I don't think this will be quite as pretty. *sigh ...just have to remember to breathe.
I've lived with my parents my whole life. I've had my own apartment of course but we've lived in the same building. I have been the mediator in their marriage for so long it feels like my responibility. ... I'm pretty sure it's not. I need this break. I'd like to know what it is to live seperately. I know that I will miss my parents when they are no longer in the land of the living and that I should appreciate the time I have whilst they are here and I do. I think I need to be a grown up on my own. I'm looking forward to my children being independent and on their own too. Sometimes I'm not sure if my life is on the right path. Has God really ordained these things for my life? Why do people expect so much? Don't they know that if they are expecting something someone else is probably too? I just want to lay on a beach somewhere and listen to the waves.

Epiphany # 38

FRUSTRATED
Why is it only "WE" when we are talking about my stuff????
Any other time it's my stuff this & my stuff that. That's mine.
Yet I have to hunt for things just to find out there is none left.
Another gripe, how come I'm the only one replacing anything 
even though I hardly use it??? *SIGH -__-

Epiphany #37

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
Teenagers!! I am almost there. I am almost out of the teenage thing. Hi, I am the parent of a teenager -_-.
I so remember what it was like to be a teen and to not want to do anything. I remember being so smart that everything about the classroom bored me. I remember thinking every day how stupid it was to have to get up to go to a place I so disliked. I remember how petty everyone and there so called problems were...I remember. I also look back now on the opportunities I threw away by giving in to those feelings of dread and not pushing past them. I am content in who I am for today but I could have been so much further had I just challenged my smart self to figure out a way to outsmart the system. I could have found a way. It's too bad I didn't just put in a slight effort. Fear will swallow you if you let it.
My teenager will just have to hate me for the next couple of years I can take it. She has to know that I am so right about this, after all she IS me for goodness sake! My Mom was a relaxed parent and I was spoiled so I kind of did what I wanted. I allow my children a lot of the same but I draw the line at education. Education is a necessity. Pull yourself together little girl!! I need you to survive this you are almost out of the storm of emotions, hormones and uncertainty. You can and will survive!! You may not believe it now but I love you enough to take the hate. So one day I hope that the yelling and the lectures and the fussing with the threats of bodily harm will make you smile for the inside out. One day you will know just what I was willing to sacrifice for your future.
Two more years and one graduates from college and "this" one moves into the start of the freedom she so craves. I just have to push you until you get there.

Epiphany #36

Once upon a time I was a poet. I was always inspired by something. I wonder where that inspiration has gone. Is it here in this same space with me? Is it asleep and if so is the alarm about to go off to awaken it? Or has my direction just changed? I see so many things in people, places and things it may just be about how to begin to bring what I see alive. Writing paper is like a canvas to a poet; as you write it begins to come alive. As I begin to describe what I feel the page becomes more vibrant. I can create any emotion with the words I choose. Poetry reveals so much and so little about the poet at the same time. Poetry is the art of emotion brushed onto the napkin, old piece of cardboard or whatever you can find. The thoughts are sometimes fleeting and must be captured in just the right light of the moment. I was recently asked what happened to my poetry and did not have an answer until now. My poetry is trapped within the confines of my mind. I have missed the moments that have been moving so very swiftly and have I been unable to catch them. So my poetry is happening all the time it is screaming to be released on to my canvas of choice. It is the energy that flows and pulses through me at all times. God has given me a gift, one of many that bring me joy. I need to live within those gifts. I need to live within those gifts. I need to live within those gifts...